Take Me to Bed; A Naïve Immigrant’s Notes on Reproductive Health in North America (Section One)

As immigrants we are good peoples. We have good food and a lot of culture. We also help the economy. And make babies who will eventually help the economy too. AND most of us are bilingual by default.

But even though we help diversify everything, which is a very very good thing, we preserve our oddest habits. It’s Canada after all. We are entitled to retain our cultures.

One of those odd habits is using herbs and smudge for non-emergency issues. Issues such as opening up your menstruation when it's delayed and you feel it in your face but not where you are supposed to. Or like, calling our parents, who live hours ahead of us, especially when we know what we ought to be doing, but we just don’t want to take the time.

Let’s focus back on the former issue. Menstruation. Since I dislike the bloated feeling that comes with delayed menstruation, I have learnt about a few herbs/plants that help with balancing hormones and quickening the process if needed - they don’t always work immediately and are not always accessible to begin with. I mean there are three things that delay menstruation; pregnancy, unbalanced hormones or, you uterus being like “Meh! just ain’t feel like scratching it today” - in which case you try circulating as much blood possible in there, so it will HAVE to do what the calendar is saying. Not a big deal. Those herbs[1] do that, they contain female hormones and increase the blood flow in organs.

But I became curious of what google would tell me if I asked for getting my uterus work like a clock. The irony is uterus cannot work like a clock and there are clocks who try to work like uteruses. But google is the king of short answers anyways So, there I went.

I typed in “How can I make my period come faster”. Below is a caption of the first row of results;

Here is also the first link that pops up on google;

11 Ways to Make Your Period Come Faster

I was unable to get over the shock of absorbing the monument of knowledge that was rushing at me in less than a paragraph. Plus, I have a tendency for analyzing the bit out of everything - especially if I’m PMSing. So I found my next little project here right in front of me.

Let’s go through the information and their implications together.

1 - Take Birth Control Pills (bear in mind when I ran the same search in the morning the first point was to “Take Medication”); I know that they start my period right off. Especially if I have never had them before right? And every woman who takes them, feels great, never gains weight and no one has got cancer out of these. More importantly, it changes my uterus to a clock. Fantastic! I might have to wait another month after taking these, for the fabrication of that tiny bit of flesh into a ticking device to take place, but I have waited this long for just bleeidng, why not another month?

1 - b - Aspirin; yes great idea. Especially when I was 11 and my early periods were off, aspirin would be the best thing to take. Unfortunately, at the time I didn’t have a computer and I didn’t know where these type of pain killers were.

1 - c - Inject Hormone; well, I love needles. If I can get an extra one for my period, why not?

2 - Parsley tea; what is parsley?

3 - Have Sex/Try Sex; Sure!

But wait, would I not be objectifying another human being for making my body work right? Or maybe it was his fault my period is delayed in the first place? Although, in reality, a loving caring partner with unconditional love wouldn’t mind making love even if it’s only for the sake my helping me bleed again.

So, what if I were (God forbid) single? Oh I know right!? I’d get sooo busy trying to find someone to lay with me, and then convincing them we should get married, that I’d totally forget about my period.

And not even the blood flow throughout the activity helps with the period issue, semen has stuff in it that help my hormones get back up. Like this manly man who comes at the edge of my reproductive system and yells; hey girl! Need a hand? I mean what can help my period better than unprotected sex and putting myself at the risk of pregnancy?

(Is this the same stuff that makes semen be good for facial skin too? OMG. Not only I now know how to make my period come faster, I also arrived at the importnace of miraculous bunch of white stuff everyone seems to take for granted)!

...and one more thing, I’m sure google is smart enough not to show the same info to under age people right?

4 - menstrual Synchrony; well this is nuts! I had no idea with all the electric wiring and wifi and other microwaves that surround us, women, and all of my friend too (google knows), get their period according to the movements of the moon around the earth. #andstill.

5 - Change your diet; oh. I must have forgotten that the impact of changing diet is immediate. I usually crave chocolate but I’ll make sure to shove in a bunch of greens after that sex I had.

(Reducing Stress, Exercise and so on are also among those immediate plans that everyone can make. But since they are too easy to achieve, I am not going to even interpret them).

6 - maintain healthy weight; again, my weight goes up and down in matter of a day. I mean I weight 200 lbs one day and the next day I’m 150lbs. This seems such a significant change that definitely requires a lot of attention, and can help my menstrual cycle get back on track in a few hours.

The next thing I’m going to google, is HPVs...Stay tuned!

1 - Include; some regular food items such as onions and garlic, wormwood, fenugreek, rosemary, nettle etc.